JOKES

What guys really think when they proposed.

A funny joke you can use in a relax conversation, especially when you are in a group of women only.


What guys really think when they proposed.


"When guys got down on bended knee, took a lady's hand, looked into the eye and said, "I'd like you to take my last name. Remember, they always put another sentence in their mind ........and add my last name to your checking account."
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What is Marketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich...? That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.
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History can reoccur
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in The Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. “I just can't take that chance."
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Dear Boss

Dear Boss,
People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes

People who do less work...
make less mistakes

People who do no work...
make no mistakes

People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted

That's why I spend most of my time
sending e-mails & playing games at work
I need a promotion.
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Fair Trade

A husband comfortably laid down on the couch before his wife comes in and ask

"Can you fix the light in the bathroom for me?"

"Do you think I work for General Electric?" The husband replied.

"Can you fix the refrigerator?" The wife asked again.

"Do you think i work for Samsung?" same replied by the husband.

"So, can you just bring the parcel to the post office please?" The wife asked for one last time.

"Let me tell you something. I don't work for FedEx either ok?" The husband cruelly replied.

The husband feel so annoying by his wife and angrily leave the house. When he got home. He surprisingly found that the light and refriegerator were well fixed and the parcel was gone. He asked his wife. "How do you handle all of these?"

The wife said "Well, I was crying in front of the house when you leave. One guy walked pass and ask if there was anything he can help. I told him everything and he offer me that he would do everything for me if I either make love with him or bake him some cookies.

The husband asked. "So, what kind of cookies did you make for him?"

"Cookies? Do you think I work for Oreo?" Replied by his wife.
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The Power of Love

Wife : You keep my photo in the wallet all the time?
Husband : Sure honey. When I have problems, I will look at your photo and the problems always seem to be gone.
Wife : See? I am your miracle right?
Husband : Of course. when I look at you I realize that what in the world could cause me more trouble!!
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Saving Method
An uncle has been waiting for the bus at the bus stops. After few minutes, the bus arrives but did not stop at the bus stop. The uncle thought it will stop a bit further so he start running after the bus.

Unfortunately, the bus never stop. It keeps running. The uncle keeps following the bus until he realizes that he arrives home already.

The uncle is very happy that he can save a bit of money today.

He happily told his wife "Honey, you know, today I ran after the bus until arriving home. I don't have to pay the bus fee"

"Stupid" instead of compliment, the wife surprisingly blames her husband. "Do you know how much you can save, if you ran after taxi!!"
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Weight Loss


A wife saw her husband weight himself on the scale trying to pull in the stomach. The weight thought he is trying to reduce his weight on the scale. So she said.


"You know. I don't think that will help you anything"

The husband replies "Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale"
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Easy / Difficult Question

In one interview, the interviewer got impatient about one guy because he could answer all the questions so quickly and arrogantly.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
I "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side.

Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How??" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured.
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HORSE LETTER
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."

She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."
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When elephant and ant got married

An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends.

During their first intercourse the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.

"Crap," said the ant, "five minutes of passion, and now I get to spend the rest of my life digging a grave."
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Talking Dog

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"

The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"

The dog answers with a muffled "RUD." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "Ronaldinho?"
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How gorilla can hurt gay

Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage.

The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection.

Unable to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it. As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the cage...slams him to the floor and screws him senseless.

A few days later in the hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt..... "Hurt? You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."
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What time is it?
A tramp lie down and sleep in the park. He had been sleeping for about 5 minutes when a couple walked by. The man stopped, woke the tramp up , and asked him, "Excuse me.

Do you know what the time is?" The tramp replied, "I'm sorry - I don't have a watch, so I don't know the time."

The man apologised for waking the tramp and the couple walked away.

The tramp lay down again, and after a few minutes went back to sleep. Just then, a woman, who was out walking her dog, shook the tramp's shoulder until he woke up again.

The woman said, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I'm afraid I've lost my watch - do you happen to know the time?" The tramp was a little annoyed at being woken up again, but he politely told the woman that he didn't have a watch and didn't know the time.

After the woman had gone, the tramp had an idea.
He opened the bag that contained all his possessions and got out a pen, a piece of paper and some string. On the paper, he wrote down, 'I do not have a watch. I do not know the time'.

He then hung the paper round his neck and eventually dropped off again.

After about 15 minutes, a policeman who was walking through the park noticed the tramp asleep on the bench, and the sign around his neck.

He woke the tramp up and said, "I read your sign. I thought you'd like to know that it's 2:30 p.m."
Learning Part
Tramp = Homeless person

Apologize = To make excuse for a fault or offense

Politely = Adv for Politely. Refine / Showing consideration for others

Contain = To have as component part

Possession = Noun for possess. To own something
Employee Memo

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.


Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I...T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).

This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T) P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T.

They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank you for your time. !

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)
Learning Part
The author makes fun of the acronym S.H.I.T. It's the bad sarcastic that all the elements in the organizations are just a shit

Assure = Person's signature

Productivity = The quality of being productive

Supervisor = Person who in charge of one department or working unit

Immediately = Without delay

Emphasize = Stress. To pay strong attention on something

Bureau = A subdivision of a department

Sarcastic = Ironic to mark intended to wounds
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Four friend at a party


Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.

He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."


The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.

He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.

His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!

Learning Part
Very funny......

Reunite = Person's signature

Pride = A sense of one's own value

Ladder = Sharop hit with hand

Terrific = Sudden amazement

Stripper = Past tense of sink means slow go down into water/ submerge

Shame = Ancestor / family member in the old time

Disappointment = Feeling unhappy that the result is not as expected.

Ashamed = embarrassing feeling
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Chinese and Spielberg


One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.


In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Learning Part
The author plays with the word "berg"

Autograph = Person's signature

Slap = Sharp hit with hand

Astonish = Sudden amaze

Sank = Past tense of sink means slow go down into water/ submerge

Forefather = Ancestor / family member in the old time
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Important things for doctor

In an anatomy class, a professor teaches his students with the real dead body.

Every students stand around the surgery table. The dead body lie there covering by a big white blanket.

The professor starts teaching " To be a good doctor, there are two important things that everyone of you have to keep in mind. The first one is NEVER FEEL DISGUSTING WITH THE BODY"


The professor then open the blanket and slowly poke his finger deeply to the dead body's anus, spin the finger and suck it right in front of the students.

The professor said to everyone "do it Hurry!"

The students are all feeling very disgusting with the bizarre example but they all decide to do it just to satisfy the professor.

After everyone is done, the professor strongly stare at everyone and said out loud.

"Well, the second important thing for being a good doctor is that "BE OBSERVANT." If you noticed it you would see that I poke my middle finger in the anus but suck my index finger!!"

Learning Part
The students did not realize that the doctor use different finger so they all got fooled by him and suck the finger they use to poke the anus (yuck!!)

Anatomy = The science of body structure and organism

Surgery = Medical Operation

Disgusting = Highly offensive with something

Poke = Push or jab

Bizarre = Extremely unconventional style or manner

Observant = Quick to perceive or apprehend

Middle finger = Second finger between index finger and ring finger

Index finger = Finger next to thumb
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Question and Answer for a laugh


Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

Q: Secret of long life
A: Morning two eggs, evening two pegs... and night two legs


Learning Part
Quite straightforward ha?

Similarity = Noun of similar means a correspond feature of something

woman's period = The monthly flow of blood that woman have; also called menses

Mosquito = Two wings insects. The female sucks blood for living.
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What panda does in a cafe

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.

The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door.

"Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation...

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Learning Part
You will understand the joke if you know that the author play with word "shoot and leave."

The meaning of shoot in the manual means "a part of bamboo" and leaves mean "a green part of tree" but panda misunderstood the meaning.
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Marriage Life 3


Funny English Jokes: Read More here --> Learn English Online


"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."


"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
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Fuuny Joke
Marriage Life2


Funny English Jokes: Read More here --> Learn English Online

"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them."


"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? "


"I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me."


"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

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Funny Joke
Marriage Life 1

Below are bunch of funny jokes about marriage life.

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"Husband and wife become two sides of a coin after the marriage; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."